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Tiger Woods Shows Early Symptoms of MAMS

Tiger Woods - early onset of MAMS?

Tiger Woods - early onset of MAMS?

Golf superstar Tiger Woods has apparently gotten his hand caught in the proverbial cookie jar.  In the wake of his mysterious run-in with a fire hydrant while at the wheel of his Caddy SUV over the holiday weekend, rumors have now surfaced that Woods has an eye that roves well beyond the putting green. If reports are true, Woods is behaving like a man with early onset of MAMS (Middle Aged Man Syndrome).

Typical early symptoms of MAMS include marriage to a young trophy wife (bonus points if she’s a Swedish former model); an ungovernable roving eye; and a taste for slinky blondes who either serve cocktails or book reservations for a living.

Another common symptom is spending beyond one’s means, but since Woods has already raked in about $1 billion in his professional career, virtually no amount of spending is beyond his means.

According to recent speculation, Woods’ recent collision occurred immediately after he and his wife, the former Swedish model Elin Nordegrenhad, had an argument over Woods’ supposed philandering.  In the course of their altercation, apparently Nordegrenhad tried to practice her technique with a five iron, using Woods’ head as a golf ball.

Apparently the spark that set this off was Nordegrenhad’s discovery that Woods was having an affair with Jaimee Grubbs, a Las Vegas waitress.  Ms. Grubbs has told Us Weekly that the affair began in April, 2007, and she claims that she has hundreds of text and voicemail messages to substantiate her claim.

But wait, that’s not all.  Mr. Squeaky Clean sports phenom has also been implicated in affairs with two other women in the hospitality industry.  According to a report in The Herald Sun, Woods covered the expenses of Rachel Uchitel, a New York nighclub hostess, so she could join him in Melbourne, Australia, while he was playing in the Australian Masters there.  Ms. Uchitel has denied having an affair with Woods, so presumably she made the trip to Oz either to offer moral support, or to help Mr. Woods with his swing.

And a friend of Kalika Moquin, a 27-year-old night club promoter in Las Vegas, recently told Life & Style magazine that Moquin and Woods had “hooked up a bunch of times.”  The friend elaborated by saying, “Tiger told Kalika that married life isn’t all it’s built up to be.”  Ah, marital disillusionment – this is truly the province of the middle aged man.

Meanwhile, Woods has been in seclusion since his Thanksgiving Night roast.  Local Highway Patrol officers tried several times to interview him in his Florida home, but Woods refused to see them each time, saying, in effect, he wasn’t really in the mood to talk to anyone.

Now, imagine if the police came to your door to interview regarding a collision you caused, and you said, “Sorry, guys, I’m right in the middle of a game of Grand Theft Auto right now.  Try me again tomorrow.”

Do you suppose they’d slink off, saying, “Jeez, sorry to disturb you.  We’ll come back tomorrow, if you’re sure that won’t be too inconvenient”?

Is it any wonder that the gate crashers at the recent White House state dinner are so desperate to become celebrities?  Ditto, the father of the boy who ostensibly took a ride in a tin-foil space ship over Colorado.  To paraphrase F. Scott Fitzgerald, celebrities are different from you and me: they get a free pass from the Man.

Today, Woods made an elaborate public statement on his website regarding his “transgressions,” thus exhibiting another key symptom of MAMS, i.e. the propensity for making grovelling public apologies, with an emphasis on such heart-rending phrases as “deeply regret,” ” my real core values,” and “respect our need for privacy.”

Looks like a serious case.  Official diagnosis has yet to be confirmed.

Image by Keith Allison, licensed through Creative Commons.

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